Recently, I've had a couple of friends who have expressed legitimate interest in Lolita. Most of them are okay financially, they just need help style-wise and learning where to buy. However, there has been one huge obstacle that I've noticed people getting into Lolita- or alternative fashion in general- have to face...
"I love the look and I think it's REALLY cute, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable enough with myself to wear it..." I hear many people say, quite unfortunately.
I can't stand it to hear somebody express an interest in an alternative fashion (and quite often somebody that could pull it off very well), only to hear them say they can't wear it because they don't have the confidence. I really do hate that.
Unfortunately, it does take a huge amount of confidence to wear Lolita, especially outside of conventions and places where Lolitas are more common and accepted- wear it to the mall, and you WILL get stared at and you WILL get comments, not all of which are good. Some people can't take it, or don't want to deal with it. Often when I've spoken to girls like this on the subject, they say they just can't understand how Lolitas deal with all the attention.
I'm not going to lie- building true confidence takes a lot of time and effort. It takes a sense of comfortableness with your body and personality, will and determination, the ability to ignore hurtful negativity (the keyword here being "hurtful..." while it is good to ignore senseless insults, well thought-out critique helps you improve your work and takes the person who wrote it time and effort, and thus it should be accepted gratefully and taken into consideration!). Believe me, I know how difficult it is- I used to have the self-esteem of a smelly armpit and those were not fun times.
Building confidence is different for everyone, just like everyone is different, but nonetheless here are some tips I found helped me when I was still learning to be a bit more confident:
1.) Try your best to perceive yourself positively
This one's a biggie, and certainly probably one of the most difficult. When you look in a mirror, it's easy to be tempted to stare at your huge nose, or those god-awful bitten nails of yours, or your thunder thighs. If you want to feel comfortable with yourself, you have to learn to look past all that for a while! You have to look at yourself in the mirror and think "I have really nice hair," or "my skin looks clear today."
Try looking at your "negative" aspects more positively, too! Your nails may be bitten, but they're attached to long, slender fingers. Your nose isn't "huge," it's "defined." You may not have the "ideal" body type, but you know, those gorgeous women in the old Renaissance paintings were a bit on the heavy side, and they weren't exactly what you would call "ugly." If there's a certain part of yourself you just really don't feel comfortable with that can easily be changed, like nail length or hair colour, just change it! If you can't afford it, or it's something you really just can't change... learn to love it. There's really beauty in everything, even if the mainstream isn't in love with it.
They say that if you tell yourself something enough, even if it's something you don't believe in to begin with, over time you convince yourself that it's true. Just keep telling yourself you're beautiful, and even if you don't think you are in the beginning (which you are, trust me), you'll eventually start to perceive yourself as prettier without "lying to yourself," as I felt I was doing when I first started doing it.
2.) Walk like you mean it
It sounds strange, but changing my posture and the way I walk has IMMENSELY helped my confidence. I used to walk in this kind of hilarious slow shuffle; head down, occasionally bumping into people because I couldn't see where I was going. One day I realized, "wait, this is stupid. I can't see where I'm going," and looked up. It was odd at first, looking everybody in the eye as I passed them. It was even more odd when I started to try to improve my posture and suddenly I was two inches taller. Even worse was when I tried to walk in a stride rather than a shuffle and suddenly the world was moving so fast. But, in the end, it all really helped!
If you walk like you own the place, people will better be able to see your confidence (even if you don't really have it yet). If you're dressed strangely, they're more likely to leave you alone because you don't look like that shy, vulnerable girl shuffling around the mall staring at the floor. Plus, it just feels so nice to see the world as you walk through it and not the floor tiles, lovely as they may be.
3.) Love others, as well
It's definitely not a good thing to insult other people to feel better about yourself! It's probably the worst way, in fact- kicking somebody and ruining their own confidence just makes you a horrid person, not a nice, confident person that people are attracted to.
I've found that the opposite helps- thinking good things about other people, as well as yourself. Seeing people and thinking "oh, she looks very pretty" or "she seems so happy!" moves you into a more positive mindset, as well as potentially attracting other people to you if you're more vocal about it. If you're more optimistic about life, you tend to be more optimistic about yourself- thus, confidence!
But- and this is a big but- be very careful to never compare other people to yourself!! If you think things like "Her hair is so much nicer than mine," you'll just depreciate yourself, put yourself in a bad mood and suddenly you hate yourself and everybody, ESPECIALLY that bitch with the cool hair. Really, I don't think there's any comparing other people to yourself- I know you might hear it all the time, but really just let it sink in- everybody is their own unique person with their own strengths and faults. Really, think about it- that bitch might have cool hair, but your hair is your very own. You can do something completely new with it, and have hair that people and yourself will think is ten times cooler than the bitch's will ever be.
5.) Work on your flaws
Of course, I don't mean become anorexic so you can lose weight or blow all your money on makeup and make yourself miserable by slaving away to get ready every morning when you really don't feel like it- if anything, those things will just make you feel worse.
However, usually if people have low self-confidence, it's for a reason. Maybe they have poor grades, or maybe they are a bit overweight... there are a variety of reasons. Unfortunately, not all of these are legitimate reasons and are usually brought on by bullying. If that's the case, I'm obviously no expert on these situations but I think it would be wise to seek help and try your best to avoid/ignore the bullies.
However, if your self-esteem is low because of a flaw that you could obviously use some work on, by all means work on it! Study your hardest to get better grades. Follow a healthy diet and work-out schedule. Learn to properly apply makeup for your own benefit. Even if you don't get the best grades, or you don't lose much weight, or you don't become the prettiest girl in school the only thing that matters is that YOU feel good about yourself, and screw what other people think (though, as I always point out in these situations, to a healthy extent- don't scare off potential employers by wearing white face to an interview, etc etc). Trust me, I did all these things and while I may not be the the prettiest, or the thinnest, or the smartest kid in my class I have improved in all of these areas and I couldn't be happier with my progress.
You are amazing in your own way <3
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